I was chillin' with a little Vedanta meditation last night after eating one of those weird-tasting brownies that 407 editor-in-chief Chad, aka "The Big Pencil," supplies me with. Man, when I eat those things, I can reach all kinds of crazy-ass levels of consciousness. (Thanks, Chad!)
Anyway, I was floating about three feet off the ground, trying hard to ignore the naked, dancing robot girls playing a bump-and-grind version of Duck, Duck, Goose around my head, when all of the sudden, a huge, four-armed, fuschia elephant wearing a fez appeared. "Yo, Edgar, you ever tried enlightenment?" he said. "I'd like to turn you on, so the first taste is free."
Of course, this wasn't the first time an obscure Hindu deity has tried to turn me into an enlightenment junkie. Haven't we all had this happen to us at some point? But still, the pink pachyderm was offering to answer any question I wanted to ask. How can we fix the economy? How do we fix the Middle East? How do I get Transformers star Megan Fox to check out my personal Optimus Prime, if you catch my drift? These are the questions for the ages -- and I could get one of them answered.
Then Lord Galactitron called.
"Edgar!" he barked, as the elephant chatted up my robot girls, waiting for my question, "I want more people to know about 407's awesome vampire title, The Night Projectionist! If you don't write the best friggin' blog about it ever, by tomorrow, I'm cutting off your 'Big Pencil' space cookie supply! And your elbows! I'm cutting those off too."
I hung up the phone and hung my head in despair. I could live without elbows, but I love my space cookies. The elephant looked up from his quickly forming robotic harem "Well?" he asked.
"How do I best get the word out about The Night Projectionist?" I sighed.
"Easy," said the elephant, "Tell people about all the other people who dig the book. For example...
"And if that doesn't work," he added, "just give them a little taste."
An android babe in each arm and one hanging from his trunk, my elephant enlightenment pusherman prepared to vanish -- but first he said one more thing.
"Funny you should ask that question," he mused. "A long time ago, Stan Lee asked the exact same thing about Spider-Man. Now he's one of my best customers."